Boyz to Men said it best, "It's so hard to say good-bye". It's not often that divorce actually satisfies both parties. In some cases one of those individuals still have deep feelings for their soon to be ex-spouse. Although we did not make it down the isle, I have experienced it. As I stated in the first blog, I don't regret the things that happened, but I can't lie, I sometimes miss my ex and it's been 3 years. I recently found out that he's engaged. I begin to ask myself, have I been waiting on him? Is that why no one else seemed to be good enough? Was I comparing them to him? That wasn't fair, if I was. If that's the case, it's definitely time for me to let go.
Some people remain married for the sake of their children, financial reasons, and (it's sad to say) even because they feel they are too old to "do the dating thing" and meet someone else. But when all is said, do they both want freedom from each other? I have two very close friends enduring this particular situation. They don't know why they've been married for so long, and are initiating a divorce. It's no doubt that she still loves him very much, but it seems that he doesn't treat her the same anymore. She actually has admitted to loosing some of her self-identity while being in this marriage. She too has been dealing with "saying good-bye".
When saying good-bye (divorcing), you're not only diminishing a marriage, but a relationship that you've established with someone whether it was long term or short, and everything else that was considered normal in your life. Both parties' families will have to adjust. So, saying good-bye does not only affect two people, but everyone else as well. It can be hard to say "good-bye".
Monday, November 10, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
It's Not Always JUST Baby Mama Drama!
It's rare that you find a single young adult with no children. How does this affect the relationship? You can't love someone and not everything that comes with them including their children, right? It's a "package" deal. At least that's how it should be. I'm sure single young adults with children would like a "significant other" too, but at what costs? How do you maintain a substantial relationship with both your child's other parent and your new love? What if you marry, and become a blended family; will everyone agree with how to raise the child or children? You often here about BABY MAMA DRAMA, but it's not always just "the mamas", daddies are included in drama too.
I ask these questions after observing some very good friends of mine, both male and female, who have children, yet they are single. One of my female friend's "baby's daddy" don't want her involved with anyone else, yet he does not treat her right. She tries to move on, however he's always around when someone new comes; she tries to do the right thing for her children's sake. I have a male friend who has custody of their child, but jumps every time the child's mother calls him. How is the new woman in his life suppose to respond to that? I hugged a male friend of mine, in the presence of other people, and another woman yelled (IN FRONT OF HIM!) "you better be careful hugging that one; he's very fertile!" Although I know how many children he has, I was still very embarrassed for him and me! Though he laughed it off, he still seemed a little hurt by it. With considering Erikson's stage of intimacy vs. isolation, again I ask, how do you effectively maintain these types of relationships and/or marriage?
I ask these questions after observing some very good friends of mine, both male and female, who have children, yet they are single. One of my female friend's "baby's daddy" don't want her involved with anyone else, yet he does not treat her right. She tries to move on, however he's always around when someone new comes; she tries to do the right thing for her children's sake. I have a male friend who has custody of their child, but jumps every time the child's mother calls him. How is the new woman in his life suppose to respond to that? I hugged a male friend of mine, in the presence of other people, and another woman yelled (IN FRONT OF HIM!) "you better be careful hugging that one; he's very fertile!" Although I know how many children he has, I was still very embarrassed for him and me! Though he laughed it off, he still seemed a little hurt by it. With considering Erikson's stage of intimacy vs. isolation, again I ask, how do you effectively maintain these types of relationships and/or marriage?
Monday, October 27, 2008
Unexpected Illnesses and Death
Death is a term that causes many people to cringe. However, it is a word that will always be a part of our lives, and it has no age preference. While watching The Future of Aging, I noticed several of the people being interviewed stated that they would whether die than become a burden to their families. According to the NASW's website, "End-of-life care is not a new arena for social workers who historically have provided care for dying individuals and their families in a variety of settings." (https://www.socialworkers.org/research/naswResearch/EndofLifeCare/default.asp)
As a child, I remember believing that only "old people" died. I lost my grandfather first, then his brother passed away about two years after him, and then my grandmother's brother-in-law passed a few years after him. When I think about it, they were actually pretty young. They were all in their 60's. All of these men’s wives are still alive; their husbands passed in the 80's. I had not experience a close death since then until two years ago, and she was only 24 when she died. I was devastated, frustrated, depressed... I went through the 7 stages of grief in one day because I literally had no clue on what to do. She was my best friend; in a time such as that, I would have called her. But she was no longer there. I couldn't eat or sleep. Imagine if she was someone's spouse or mother at such a young age...
About a week ago my co-worker's husband was diagnosed with leukemia. They are both under the age of 25 and are expecting their first child in December. This is not something that they had expected. Their faith is very strong, but if you would, please add them to your prayers.
Unexpected illnesses and life's endings are major life events for everyone. According to Csikai and Raymer, “Specialists in end of life care should possess generalist skills such as resource linkage, case management, and advocacy, as well as advanced skills such as conducting bioethics consultations, assessment and management of pain and suffering; and resolution of ethical problems in end of life care.” (2004). Which in turn causes for the NASW Code of Ethics to give “particular attention to the needs and empowerment of people who are vulnerable, oppressed, and living in poverty” (NASW Code of Ethics, 1999, p. 1). (https://www.socialworkers.org/research/naswResearch/EndofLifeCare/default.asp)
Client’s who are experiencing sudden illnesses, regardless of age, have rights as well. With this said and considering the Code of Ethics, I would like to know your opinion regarding SWs and euthanasia.
(Don't forget to check out the website!)
As a child, I remember believing that only "old people" died. I lost my grandfather first, then his brother passed away about two years after him, and then my grandmother's brother-in-law passed a few years after him. When I think about it, they were actually pretty young. They were all in their 60's. All of these men’s wives are still alive; their husbands passed in the 80's. I had not experience a close death since then until two years ago, and she was only 24 when she died. I was devastated, frustrated, depressed... I went through the 7 stages of grief in one day because I literally had no clue on what to do. She was my best friend; in a time such as that, I would have called her. But she was no longer there. I couldn't eat or sleep. Imagine if she was someone's spouse or mother at such a young age...
About a week ago my co-worker's husband was diagnosed with leukemia. They are both under the age of 25 and are expecting their first child in December. This is not something that they had expected. Their faith is very strong, but if you would, please add them to your prayers.
Unexpected illnesses and life's endings are major life events for everyone. According to Csikai and Raymer, “Specialists in end of life care should possess generalist skills such as resource linkage, case management, and advocacy, as well as advanced skills such as conducting bioethics consultations, assessment and management of pain and suffering; and resolution of ethical problems in end of life care.” (2004). Which in turn causes for the NASW Code of Ethics to give “particular attention to the needs and empowerment of people who are vulnerable, oppressed, and living in poverty” (NASW Code of Ethics, 1999, p. 1). (https://www.socialworkers.org/research/naswResearch/EndofLifeCare/default.asp)
Client’s who are experiencing sudden illnesses, regardless of age, have rights as well. With this said and considering the Code of Ethics, I would like to know your opinion regarding SWs and euthanasia.
(Don't forget to check out the website!)
Monday, October 20, 2008
Same-Sex Marriages???
Jeff's lifestyle from the film The Sum of Us made me think more of same-sex relationships, marriages, and divorce in the U.S., if there is such a thing. It seemed that he had multiple rendezvous , but it was obvious that he was searching for the "one"-Greg. Is that not was most heterosexual young adults do?
According to wikipedia.com (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Status_of_same-sex_marriage) "as of October 10, 2008, Massachusetts, California, and Connecticut permit same-sex couples to marry though homosexual marriage." Is there any "accurate" data for this particular population? Considering it is not legal throughout the country, there is not a census for it-that I could find. Dr. Paul Cameron, Chairman of the Family Research Institute of Colorado Springs, states that "Homosexual marriages are short lived, studies show homosexual marriage is hazardous to one's health, homosexual marriage has the highest rate of domestic violence", etc. (http://www.familyresearchinst.org/FRI_EduPamphlet7.html) Are these actual facts, or formulated to suite his opinion.
Are you wondering if I believe in same-sex marriages? Am I against same-sex marriages? I believe that everyone deserves equality regardless of anybody's opinion. If I thought otherwise, what kind of SW would I be? To answer those questions directly-I am a firm believer in God's Word, but doesn't He love us all unconditionally? Well, if you did not know, yes, He does. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
According to wikipedia.com (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Status_of_same-sex_marriage) "as of October 10, 2008, Massachusetts, California, and Connecticut permit same-sex couples to marry though homosexual marriage." Is there any "accurate" data for this particular population? Considering it is not legal throughout the country, there is not a census for it-that I could find. Dr. Paul Cameron, Chairman of the Family Research Institute of Colorado Springs, states that "Homosexual marriages are short lived, studies show homosexual marriage is hazardous to one's health, homosexual marriage has the highest rate of domestic violence", etc. (http://www.familyresearchinst.org/FRI_EduPamphlet7.html) Are these actual facts, or formulated to suite his opinion.
Are you wondering if I believe in same-sex marriages? Am I against same-sex marriages? I believe that everyone deserves equality regardless of anybody's opinion. If I thought otherwise, what kind of SW would I be? To answer those questions directly-I am a firm believer in God's Word, but doesn't He love us all unconditionally? Well, if you did not know, yes, He does. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Monday, October 13, 2008
"I'm Pregnant! So You HAVE to Marry Me, Right?"
Unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone including teenagers, young adults, middle age adults, and yes, even during late adulthood. The BIG question is, what happens next. Do you marry this person because you are about to have a child together, even if you don't love them?
Not to discuss politics or anything, but lets look at 17-year-old Bristol Palin and 18-year-old Levi Johnston for example. The heat is on for them and they are the center of attention. One false move and things can go crazy. Are they really marrying for love or is it because she is pregnant, and the world is watching? Will they be divorced by age 25? Do other people think like that: "Oh my God! I'm 27, pregnant and not married! He just HAVE to marry me. What will people think?"
Personally, I don't believe any one should be forced to do anything, man or woman. Marriage because of pregnancy may have been wonderful during the 50s, 60s, and 70s, but times have and are changing. People's morals and values are different now. Not all young adults are family oriented. So, you marry this person because you're having a child together, but truth be told, you never saw yourself being with this person long term anyway and now you're stuck in a relationship with this person for at least 18 years. Is that how that works? OR, could you compromise on how you're going to raise this child as a team and later decide if you want to spend the rest of your lives together.
My belief is to not worry what others think. I know sometimes that's easier said than done, but it's your life and if you believe in this, you will only have to answer to one-and that's God!
Though it's more than a year old now, check out this guy's dilemma at http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-39334.0.html.
P.S.: No, I'm not pregnant!
Not to discuss politics or anything, but lets look at 17-year-old Bristol Palin and 18-year-old Levi Johnston for example. The heat is on for them and they are the center of attention. One false move and things can go crazy. Are they really marrying for love or is it because she is pregnant, and the world is watching? Will they be divorced by age 25? Do other people think like that: "Oh my God! I'm 27, pregnant and not married! He just HAVE to marry me. What will people think?"
Personally, I don't believe any one should be forced to do anything, man or woman. Marriage because of pregnancy may have been wonderful during the 50s, 60s, and 70s, but times have and are changing. People's morals and values are different now. Not all young adults are family oriented. So, you marry this person because you're having a child together, but truth be told, you never saw yourself being with this person long term anyway and now you're stuck in a relationship with this person for at least 18 years. Is that how that works? OR, could you compromise on how you're going to raise this child as a team and later decide if you want to spend the rest of your lives together.
My belief is to not worry what others think. I know sometimes that's easier said than done, but it's your life and if you believe in this, you will only have to answer to one-and that's God!
Though it's more than a year old now, check out this guy's dilemma at http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-39334.0.html.
P.S.: No, I'm not pregnant!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Parental Influence
As children, your parents and family in some form or fashion influence everything you know. Most children want to be “just like” mom or dad when they grow up. Girls play with mom’s jewelry and make-up even if they have to sneak and do it. Both boys and girls put on mom or dad’s shoes and walk around in them. And one day…you grow up and realize you actually do not want to be anything like your parents at all!!!
As adults, we tend to discover our own paths, but there are still a few reminders of what we learned from our parents, especially when it comes to relationships and marriage. Some of us will use our parents’ influence wisely, regardless if it is good or bad, while others will use it as a crutch. Hadley, Terry’s oldest daughter from the movie The Upside of Anger, did not let her parents influence her decisions when it came to relationships. She dated, married and had children of her own. She could have easily thrown in the towel because the original thought was her father had left her mother for another woman. Fortunately, she did not let her parents’ issues dictate her love life. Will you?
As adults, we tend to discover our own paths, but there are still a few reminders of what we learned from our parents, especially when it comes to relationships and marriage. Some of us will use our parents’ influence wisely, regardless if it is good or bad, while others will use it as a crutch. Hadley, Terry’s oldest daughter from the movie The Upside of Anger, did not let her parents influence her decisions when it came to relationships. She dated, married and had children of her own. She could have easily thrown in the towel because the original thought was her father had left her mother for another woman. Fortunately, she did not let her parents’ issues dictate her love life. Will you?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Marital Satisfaction or Self-Gratification
According to census.gov (http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/marital-hist/2004/Table3.2004.xls), in 2004, 53.6% of men ages 25-29 had never married; 41.3% of women ages 25-29 had never married. The percentages decreased, of course, between the ages of 30-34 for both men and women, and I questioned that. Is it really because both men and women have developed true self identities, established themselves financially, and are ready to love someone for the rest of their lives and start a family with them, or is it because they feel they are getting too old and need to hurry and find someone?
Is it martial satisfaction young adults are wanting or self-gratification? As I stated in a previous blog, I was proposed to twice this year. To be honest, one of those men asked me to marry him December of 2007. Well, he was married on this past Friday. LOL!!! I talked with him and it seemed he couldn’t tell me anything about his fiancé; nothing but he was excited about getting married. That troubled me, so I prayed for him. He once told me he was “getting older and needed to settle down.” (I don’t take marriage lightly!) My aunt and I discussed it because I believe I went into shock! Was this not the same person who just proposed to me in June (3 months ago) in front of my family!? Okay, so I’m off of my soapbox now. She informed me that he was “simply on a mission, he just wanted a wife.” Is that a self-gratifying reason for marriage…
Is it martial satisfaction young adults are wanting or self-gratification? As I stated in a previous blog, I was proposed to twice this year. To be honest, one of those men asked me to marry him December of 2007. Well, he was married on this past Friday. LOL!!! I talked with him and it seemed he couldn’t tell me anything about his fiancé; nothing but he was excited about getting married. That troubled me, so I prayed for him. He once told me he was “getting older and needed to settle down.” (I don’t take marriage lightly!) My aunt and I discussed it because I believe I went into shock! Was this not the same person who just proposed to me in June (3 months ago) in front of my family!? Okay, so I’m off of my soapbox now. She informed me that he was “simply on a mission, he just wanted a wife.” Is that a self-gratifying reason for marriage…
Monday, September 22, 2008
Public Affection
Does public affection institutes love? Does is displays ownership? (The hand that I'm holding and the body attached to it belongs to me, so back off!!!) Could there possibly be too much public affection, especially when children are around?
These questions all stim from the movie, The Namesake. It seemed to be traditional for Gogol's family to not display affection, not even an "I love you". I'm not for sure if this is an accurate Indian tradition, but it made me think about those couples, both hetero and homosexual, who don't seem to mind "showing off" their love for each other no matter where they are. What do you think...can there be too much or too little public affection?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Testing Waters
No offense gentlemen, but this one's for the ladies, though I would love to hear your feedback too.
Ok, so you've met this really fine man. He has it going on! From the perfect height and broad shoulders, to the dazzling bedroom eyes. He looks like he may even have a 401(K) plan. What do you do? Do you:
A. Invite him over, and whatever happen, happens
B. Invite him to dinner
C. Make yourself noticeable, so he will invite you to dinner
D. View him as eye candy and let him go his way
Ok ladies, let’s be honest, most of us will probably go with choice "C". However, "D" is the best answer. Most women, no matter what age, long for attention and intimacy. In some cases, we will go the extreme to get it. Even if it means putting our values aside, just to enjoy the moment. This could possibly lead to romantic love, which could then lead to cohabitation, or simply put-testing waters.
During cohabitation, everything is wonderful! You have a little extra money because he's helping out with the bills. It's like having a roommate with fringe benefits-hint, hint. Before you know it, 2 years have gone by and you realize you're not committed to each other. As the old folks say, "why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" So after tons of complaining and whining, you get married. Your expectations of each other change. You now have yelling competitions because your marriage is nothing like the relationship you once had. What happens now?...
Just this year, I have had two men propose to me, and I’m not tooting my own horn. This is very scary to me. They were indeed attractive men, with benefits (lol), but I cannot, will not marry someone just because they ask me and because of their insurance and appearances. All that glitters is not gold. I feel that I will know when the Lord sends me to my husband. (Proverbs 18:22) Before any of us can love anyone, or allow them to love us, we have to love ourselves first.
Ok, so you've met this really fine man. He has it going on! From the perfect height and broad shoulders, to the dazzling bedroom eyes. He looks like he may even have a 401(K) plan. What do you do? Do you:
A. Invite him over, and whatever happen, happens
B. Invite him to dinner
C. Make yourself noticeable, so he will invite you to dinner
D. View him as eye candy and let him go his way
Ok ladies, let’s be honest, most of us will probably go with choice "C". However, "D" is the best answer. Most women, no matter what age, long for attention and intimacy. In some cases, we will go the extreme to get it. Even if it means putting our values aside, just to enjoy the moment. This could possibly lead to romantic love, which could then lead to cohabitation, or simply put-testing waters.
During cohabitation, everything is wonderful! You have a little extra money because he's helping out with the bills. It's like having a roommate with fringe benefits-hint, hint. Before you know it, 2 years have gone by and you realize you're not committed to each other. As the old folks say, "why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" So after tons of complaining and whining, you get married. Your expectations of each other change. You now have yelling competitions because your marriage is nothing like the relationship you once had. What happens now?...
Just this year, I have had two men propose to me, and I’m not tooting my own horn. This is very scary to me. They were indeed attractive men, with benefits (lol), but I cannot, will not marry someone just because they ask me and because of their insurance and appearances. All that glitters is not gold. I feel that I will know when the Lord sends me to my husband. (Proverbs 18:22) Before any of us can love anyone, or allow them to love us, we have to love ourselves first.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Its seems that "love at first sight" lasts about 5 minutes, almost literally these days! How many of you know at least 1 couple who married in their early twenties, and was divorced before their thirties? Please, answer quietly-I'm afraid of the number. According to Erik Erikson, young adults should "try out new relationships and attempt to find a way to connect with others in new ways while preserving their individuality." However, it seems most young adults try out these new relationships after marriage. This process is usually called "dating", which typically comes before marriage.
Are you wondering if I'm bitter? No! Not bitter, just confused and frustrated. If you think you're not ready for marriage, then why do it? I was with a man for 6 years and engaged to him for two of those years, but I quickly learned I wasn't ready during our premarital counseling. Thank GOD! I don't feel as though those were wasted years. Simply put, those were years for developing wisdom. Had I married at 21 I would be divorced now as well. However, I have no regrets of the things that "were". Divorce is something that does not only effect the two direct parties, but those around them as well such as children and other family members. What happened to "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part"? Are vows not sacred anymore?
There are some states, such as Louisiana, that allow couples to opt for what's called "Covenant Marriage"; meaning, the couple receives premarital counseling first, and cannot divorce as easily. In some cases, such as "I no longer want to be married because my husband snores at night", this does not seem to be a bad idea.
Are you wondering if I'm bitter? No! Not bitter, just confused and frustrated. If you think you're not ready for marriage, then why do it? I was with a man for 6 years and engaged to him for two of those years, but I quickly learned I wasn't ready during our premarital counseling. Thank GOD! I don't feel as though those were wasted years. Simply put, those were years for developing wisdom. Had I married at 21 I would be divorced now as well. However, I have no regrets of the things that "were". Divorce is something that does not only effect the two direct parties, but those around them as well such as children and other family members. What happened to "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part"? Are vows not sacred anymore?
There are some states, such as Louisiana, that allow couples to opt for what's called "Covenant Marriage"; meaning, the couple receives premarital counseling first, and cannot divorce as easily. In some cases, such as "I no longer want to be married because my husband snores at night", this does not seem to be a bad idea.
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