It's rare that you find a single young adult with no children. How does this affect the relationship? You can't love someone and not everything that comes with them including their children, right? It's a "package" deal. At least that's how it should be. I'm sure single young adults with children would like a "significant other" too, but at what costs? How do you maintain a substantial relationship with both your child's other parent and your new love? What if you marry, and become a blended family; will everyone agree with how to raise the child or children? You often here about BABY MAMA DRAMA, but it's not always just "the mamas", daddies are included in drama too.
I ask these questions after observing some very good friends of mine, both male and female, who have children, yet they are single. One of my female friend's "baby's daddy" don't want her involved with anyone else, yet he does not treat her right. She tries to move on, however he's always around when someone new comes; she tries to do the right thing for her children's sake. I have a male friend who has custody of their child, but jumps every time the child's mother calls him. How is the new woman in his life suppose to respond to that? I hugged a male friend of mine, in the presence of other people, and another woman yelled (IN FRONT OF HIM!) "you better be careful hugging that one; he's very fertile!" Although I know how many children he has, I was still very embarrassed for him and me! Though he laughed it off, he still seemed a little hurt by it. With considering Erikson's stage of intimacy vs. isolation, again I ask, how do you effectively maintain these types of relationships and/or marriage?
Intimacy versus Isolation (Erik Erikson) is a good one. In todays society sometimes isolation is better than intimacy because of the “baby mama” and “baby daddy” drama that comes along with today’s relationships. But the reality is “Intimacy” is far more exciting than “Isolation” because most women desire a companion or some good loving every now and again. But I agree that women bring drama than men do sometimes. But I also disagree to agree that yes men tend to bring more drama and confusion to a relationship than a woman usually it’s because most men aren’t stepping up to their responsibilities as men.
ReplyDeleteWow Shuntae, that is a difficult question to answer. I can tell you only of my experience. I am a single mother of 3 children and have 2 "baby daddies". I have found that if the child's parents are really "over" each other, then there are no baby mama or baby daddy dramas. The dramas usually come when one person does not want to let go of the other. I don't think it has anything to do with intimacy vs. isolation, it really is a POWER issue. It is also a CONTROL issue. To effectively maintain a good relationship with both the baby mama or daddy and the new person in the picture, the one that has moved on must establish rules for both parties that can not or will not be broken under any circumstances. All parties must be heard and respected and everyone must know their place. Above all, the needs of the child must be first. I have always said that I didn't have to like my children's fathers, but I must be polite and cordial and cooperative so that my child will not be affected by grown up business. It has worked for me. I don't comment on their girlfriends and they don't comment on my male friends. There is not and will not be a problem unless my child is involved. I invite them and their significant others to parties and they invite me. The main thing that makes this work for my situation is that each of their girlfriends know that I don't want them so there is not need for insecurity or dislike on their part. I hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteMSW student:
ReplyDeleteIt helps a lot actually. You help me realize that the maturity level plays an important part in it as well.
I agree. I have friends who are single with kids and it is harder for them to find someone especially with the baggage of the other parent. I think there is also some gender bias with the issue. I hear my husbands friends talk about how they could never date someone who has kids, but when it comes to the guy having custody of the kids, girls don't seem to mind.
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